"Back to the Primative" I think we as a society have totally outgrown ourselves...Most of us today if were placed in a situtaion where we had to hunt, trap, kill or grow everything we had to live on would either go hungry or become really quick learners...and most would be loosing this extra fast food weight we are carring around...sometimes i wish that there was a reset button on the world...we have become way to dependant on computers to do our work for us while we shovel super sized fries in our mouth...the computer goes down and no one know what to do...maybe bill gates should be looked at more as being the antichrist than obama...but what do i really know these are just my thoughts and rambles...dont take anything i say as gospel please im nobody i have to look up to see the belly of a snail crawl over me...im so low on the totem pole im burried under the ground...

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Looking back today at the wreckage and at the scene made me wonder how or why I am even still alive...Then i start thinking bout the train wreck that i call my life...with all the evil ive done to others, the harm ive brought to many, i definately deserve to be made into ground round inside of that crumbeled up piece of metal...I really hope that with is new oppertunity to live my life that i will do better than i have in the first 31yrs of it...just to think how my lil ones would feel with the news that their father died and never did anything with his life that made a damn...i dont want that to be said im gonna change the things going on in my life change my path blaze a new trail and try to help others out instead of kicking them in the teeth while their down...

Addictions Arent Just In The Mind...

Never Tried to quit anything in my life till the past year...Seems like ive had to quit everything that i enjoy in life in a matter of like a few months...As i sit here listening to The Blue Oyster Cults, "Don't Fear The Reaper", im understanding it more and more...Its not so much that i am dying...but i feel like im dying inside...Ive given up some of the most addictive drugs here in the last 2 months, and gone through some horrible withdraws, Ive done it for me, ive done it for my family, and i done it for my friends that care about me, and all of the above that wanna see me make it to live to see old age...Ive given up cocaine but i cant give up alcohol...your gonna tell me theres not a problem there???I use to snort coke all day long at work bust the hell outta some jobs and now that i stopped my boss is starting to wonder what the hell happened to my production...LOL...I mean seriously can alcohol be even more addictive than all the drugs i was doing??? Or is there just something wrong with me inside my head that i just cant shake this deamon...Could it be that this addiction is truely in my mind and not a physical addiction...When id leave a drug i had no problems no turning back never even think about em really...ive had many friends in the last week roll one up or chop a line and offer me and i was able to turn em al down...wanna beer and i cant say no...sometimes i wish i knew what was wrong with my brain up there so that maybe i could take a knife and cut that bad part of my brain out...

...htlaeh ruoy ot suodrazah eb yam siht gnidaeR

.ezam a ni deppart tar a ekil gnileeF
.efil ni esoprup on htiw dnuora gninnuR
.eseehc fo ecrip ym dnif dluoc i taht gnihsiw tsuJ
...eseehc fo eceip taht teg uoy nehw efil ekil hcum tuB
???ti teg od uoy nehw od uoy od tahw dna...detnaw i rovalf eht eb yllaer ti lliw
???ti no htaed ot flesym ekohc dna ti no flesym egrog i lliW
???enog lla sti nehw ti htiw od i lliw tahw...yltnatropmi tsom dnA

Last Note

This is not for all those that i have hurt b4 or for those that have hurt me.
This is not for those that care about me or furthermore for those that dont.
This is not for those that called me names or pushed me down.
This is not for those that ridiculed me and thought i was evil walking on the face of the earth.

Yes i have done alot of evil things.
Ive cheated, lied, robbed ect. for the things i wanted in life...Im not proud of these facts.
There are times i wake up in a cold sweat with faces of my past exhaling their last breath
greeting me as i wake from my nightmares...
Now looking back there isnt much i havent ever done that did cause misery to others, or atleast
to those who were left behind...
I ofton think that is it courage that i lack to finally one day pull this trigger...
Or is it really just the cowards way out of the situtaion...
I mean either way what does it matter if i dont stop my evil rain im going to end up hurting
more and more people...
And this time maybe its people that i do really love and care about...

Ive ofton thought about the way that it would all end up like this...
I mean do i choose a quick way out or do i do something where it takes time and i get my one
last chance to reflect on life...
Take the bottle of pills and just slip away into a slumber that will escape the misery that i
have caused others...

I dont really do this for myself, all though all others will fell that i did this for selfish and
alterior motives...
I Truely believe that i am evil...that i am no good for anyone and i refuse to hurt another soul.
For those of you who are hurt by this act i truely feel that the misery you feel now will only
be for a short period of time compared to the misery the rest of my life would have
caused you because of what evil lurks in my heart.

All i can do now is just hope and pray that maybe that God will show pitty on my soul...
I do realize this act carries great consiquences with it concerning many religions and being
able to carry my soul over into the higher realm...
So all i can do now is say one last prayer while the pills start to kick in...