Pissing Vinegar

If our emotions are what prompts us through life then why is it that we really dont have the control over them that we should...My whole life has been filled with the feeling of indifference...not even knowing the feelings of love and hate...i dont know which is worse...i was enoying my life b4 love ever entered into the picture...no im filled with self hate because i have allowed myself to love...sometimes i hate myself for it so much...but then again should i be hating myself for something that is suppose to come naturally for me or do i hate god for not allowing me to contol my emotions and for whom i feel them for...i mean i pray b4 i got to bed that in someway i can control these emotions or that i may not wake up from my slumber...i know sounds like a selfish request and it is but oh well ive always lived my life as a selfish loner...i think its time to make myself bleed out my pains and agressions as the warm feeling of blood runs across my skin it always makes me feel better...then the tastes of iron from my blood and the salt from the tears on my cheek mix together as i suck the blood from my flesh...